Over the centuries, the City Fathers have not been slow to create a delicious choice of religions, cults, creeds and colourful systems of belief and non-belief to suit every purse and taste in recreation.Atheism is the official religion, the strongest belief system and the most heavily subscribed. Its principal chapel is at Luton Town Football Club where non-believers in a variety of atheistic sects go every Saturday to worship each other and to crucify the opposing sect of the moment.
Next to atheism in popularity is agnosticism. Its followers are required to remain in a state of perpetual doubt, as to whether they believe in atheism or fideism, or in anything whatsoever. They habitually gather outside Luton Town Football Club to shame the atheists into a state of incredulity by flagellating themselves, piercing their own tongues and cutting their foreheads with broken glass.
At such festivals, Luton’s always friendly police (or ‘bobbies’) can be observed to wear razor blades in their hats. These are called ‘sharp’ hats. The bobbies cry ‘chapeau!’ with great esprit whenever they hurl their hats into the crowd to keep it up to its work.
All this merriment makes a most photogenic spectacle. Bring your camera!
The third principal religious sect is the Pyrrhonists. They are radical sceptics. They assert that all belief systems are absurd. As this assertion is itself a belief system, Pyrrhonists are very confused and they sit all day in taverns reading The Guardian.
They may also be detected by their absolute refusal, under any circumstances, to climb a ladder. They can never be sure that the ground will still be there when they step off the bottom rung.
The fourth major cult is the fideists. They believe that true knowledge can only proceed from faith. Every fideist believes in a different thing s
o, collectively, the world fellowship of fideists comprises all true knowledge.If you are ever lost in Luton - and you need directions to God or the public toilet (‘loo’) - it is always safe to ask a fideist. They can be recognised by the tokens of their faith which they wear at all times, such as a cross, burkah, kippah, biretta, laboratory clipboard, etc.
All the town’s religions come together for the annual street carnival in May. A boy
bishop is elected to conduct the ceremony with an air guitar. The high priests of every sect are mounted backward on donkeys and jovially kettled through George Street by naked women banging pots, saucepans and fire tongs.The town’s cony catchers (rogues), who comprise most of the population, are licensed for the day to rob, cozen, rape and assault the delighted spectators in a spirit of madcap revelry. However, the carnival has been criticised in recent years for its vulgarity. So the City Fathers, always sensitive to modern sensibilities, usually arrange for it to be rained off.
Visitors to Luton can purchase, at the Tourist Office, helpful books of tickets. These grant a temporary membership of all the 21 recognised town religions. The appropriate ticket gives entry to any one of Luton’s principal churches, bordellos and nightclubs. Any surplus tickets can be exchanged locally for ale or sold on E-Bay.
